My story thats never been heard

2006-07-19T00:37:00.000+08:00

been in love? out of love? ditched? bitched? dumped? dumped some one? neglected? cried all nite? feel like a biatch? hear my story and judge me. cuz i am feeling like a bitch now a slut.

i am jz an ordinary girl. in university. have an ordinary life. with ordinary parents with great bunch of frens whom i love. bt why do i find life so hard? why is it so hard to love??

wats love? i need an answer? whom do i care for? whom do i love? whom do i seek help? i dunno.

i've been having sleepless nites. though u all might thing is another typical love problem. bt i cant sleep peacefully i cant go on loving someone genuinely i cant live like this. is so suffering! !!!!!! i cry every nite when ever this come accross to my mind.

when ever i start thinking i have no where to go. no one dat i cann talk abt it. no one to pour out to. and the thought thats just playing like a spoiled video tape recoder keep playing and playing keeps me so pain and torn inside. so i decided to let it out some where. i decided to blog it out. i dun care who ever reads or do not read this understand this or do not understand this i need to let my memories fade away.

life isnt complicated is we as human who make it complicated. i am always making da wrong decision in life which made me so screwed. in which uni. which course which college which matriculation. EVERY DECISION I MADE IN LIFE IS WRONG! which makes life so complicated. i dont know wat to do. i dont no wat i want. i dont know wats rite and wrong anymore. i am 19 for goodness sake and dis sucks

lets start with the complicated story. sigh. darn i cant blif it. my blog i blog abt this. heck.

i was in love with a guy which i shall name him piggie (P) since i was 15 and we finally got seriously together when i am 16. he was 18 then.but the problem is we always tot is better to have the world to ourself so non of our frens noe abt us. even more our parents. which makes every meeting so though and so complicated and so secretive and my social life dat is so secretive is a mystery for everyone. i had to lie to my parents not because he tot me to lie was because i was willing to lie. i hid it frm my frens my besties. the story behind why we hid it was so complicated. whn i was 15 i was pairing him up wid one of my best girl and i love her more than my feelings for him then. so i was pairing them up. in the end i got back fired. my bestie tot i was with him but trying to pair them up together. bt it was a total misunderstanding. but it was sorted out alraedy. months after dat incident me and piggie finally got in to a conclusion dat we do have deep feelings more than frens towards each other. i have done almost everything with him.he was sweet, caring. totful, understanding, smart,hav a great mind and a great future ahead of him. days with him was beautiful and sweet. i will never find an experience dat way anway whr else. and i tot he will be the guy dat i will end up loving the rest of my life. call me naive but i meant it in everyway in my life.from da first kiss, hugz, card, movie, was remembered in detailed. living wid him was hard due to the hiding bt it was da happiest momment in my life.. but which relationship have no flaws in them? he has such thing call hyperventilation. which his whole body will lock and shiver and he will start to hav fitts. and its very scary. his heart will lock and hurt so much. i am a very bad tempered person. i always hated it whn he made me upset i have to go make sure he is alrite because he is hyperventilating. cuz i dont wan him to get hurt or be unconcious. cuz dat had happned. it went on alot of times.untill times whr i was so unreasonable and whn he hyperventilate i kept on adding da fire and made him worse and kept shouting and screaming even though i noe he is gonna break. i just couldnt take it da way he took advantage with it. i did promise him dat i will never leave him because of dat. and i guess i didnt kept dat promise. i am sorry it was jz so hurting. i didnt end the relationship wid him because of dat. it was because he was being to overprotective and really unrealistically unreasonable. i was in college last yr. whn i am 18 and my class had a very tight bond and i love that class so so much and i really heart and treasure that class so muchie. every time we have a gathering we will go out after exam after a stressful occasion. and some how we planned a holiday at the end of the year. and he asked me early of last yr whether will i be free end of the year to spent time wid him and i say i dunno my parents may hav planns and it was true. bt my classmates were planning on going on a trip so i wanted to go. he always claims dat i place frens first before him and all dat and he gets so uptight whn i go out with my frens and never left me in peace with my frens. never. i was so upset by dat and every time we argued was because of that because hu hav a higher priority in my life. so fine.whole of 2005 was hell for me. i was lying to my self and kept on putting a smile on my face infront of every body else. bt i was so hurt and pissed off by him. cuz whole of last yr we just argue every single moment. on sms on fon whn we meet. and to me communication is da asset of a relationship and i have mention to end the relationship ample of times because there was no pt of going on if we jz keep on screaming and shouting, comparing and blamming each other. but for him i decided not to go for the trip with my frens. so i didnt go in the end. bt then he found a job dat he said he must take for his industrial trainning. and he couldnt even have time to msg me nor call me nor meet up with me. the whole 2 months holiday i didnt even see him more than one hand! and he din bother to call me or msg me and everytime he will say he is out with his frens everytime i text him. wats da point of me not going on holiday!?!? was because u ask me not to and to be with u the whole holiday!?! and why are u doing this to me??!!? telling ur frens dat i am busy so cant meet u!?!? and u go out wid ur frenS? i didnt mean dat he cant meet wid his frens but he didnt even meet me! i was so pissed. and everytiem i brought it up we will argue and we will keep on arguing our butts off and evry msg i recieved and every msg dat i sent was full of hurtful words and unwanted replies. so i decided to call it off. and it was a very long talk. and after dat every thing change. he didnt bother call me and text me anymore? is it because he wanted to heal? i dont noe. and why do he say i love u whn he left to aussie!?!?! he dont have to do dat to me. and whn i questioned him why did he left me all alone during my hollidays and why do he say he love me? he jz ignored me. i was jz left half hanging like dis. i dunno wats running in his head anymore. i dunno wat he was thinking i dunno wat to do. he just left me like dat. not knowing why he did all dat to me? why did he? i dont understand.. i dunno him anymore. i felt so far apart frm him. and everytime i think back it kills.

while in college. i have this fren. i shall call him lizard (L) he was there for me and talk to me whn i had problem. and he had feelings for me bt i didnt accept him and i kept on hurting him because i do love piggie. he was not more than a fren to me. bt he was a real supportive fren. he is one of my close guy mate in coll. but prob wid us we cant talk face to face infact we kept arguing and hitting each other zhar-ing each other. bt i felt dat i played wid his feelings i shudnt talked to him alot and gave him hope.

towards the end of last yr.. i got to noe and got closer with butterfly boi (BB) juz out of the sudden we clicked and we became very close very tight. and whn ever i was down he was there to pull me back up da well. he was there always to keep me up and smiling. i always hated the fact dat whn piggie killed me and break my heart he is not the one dat mend it but butterfly boi did it. and i hated dat. but BB he was there when i needed him most. and whn i was at a state of confusion. before i came here to perth whr i am currently now. i guess it was my desperation and depression of loosing someone and hurt by someone dat i love and trust so much which made me in a state of a very weak broken heart and he was there for me to lie on and complain and throw everything on. and i dunno was it lust for attention and love and care dat was missing so long ago frm piggie dat i wanted and longing frm him da whole holiday. BB was there for me and we accidentally got involve. i dunoo how., iwasnt planning to start a new relationship. i wasnt ready after wat happen i really didnt wanted to. bt BB and L was great buddies. and whn i was close to BB, L didnt noe and he got very pissed of whn he found out and because of that my whole college class mates whr all shattered and my college mates and the bond isnt there like before anymore. and it was all my doing my stupid slutty self. and because of the misunderstanding we i dunno i felt dat i was forced in to the relationship. i was so torn. i admit i love him. but i dunno whether was it genuine or was it jz lust of attention as i mentioned. it sux it sux. bt my parents noes him and so does his parents and it made life so much easier. but he is a chirstian and i am a buddhist which made thing so complicated. even though is not now it maybe a problem later. and both he and i never tot dat we could end up dis way. cuz honestly his charather and his attitude in life is non dat i wil fond of. i jz fell for his ever so caring self. and selfless attitude. it has jz passed 6 months dat we are togethr and it have been a sweet and sour 6 month. we barely hav any problems. but i jz despise his tidak apa attitude. and he as no goals in life which worries me. but prob arise whn i always think too much dat i used him and i am afraid dat my love for him is not genuine and dat is fake and all dat. and every thing he did makes me think of P more. so much more P and i use to exchange shirts and BB send me a pillow made of his shirt which is so sweet but i feel so torn and so hurt whn i hug da shirt pillow. and he made me dis love shaped jug wid i love u words and glow in da dark stars. made me rmb how i spent sleepless nites to fold stars for P. i dunno wat to do. i dunno wat should i do. wat does dis mean? everything dat happens keep being so fammiliar and so hurting. do i love BB? is it genuine? i wish i can leave both of them and dun love anymore. it so hurting bt if i leave BB i noe it will hurt him alot bt i think he will find someone else. should i continue before da love is too deep? i feel so torn. i dunno wat to do. and i am wishing P will read dis blog. i wan to call him and talk to him or mail him. bt he is not contacting me lately does he want to forget me and mend his wound dat i cut which was so deep? do he noe abt me and BB? i want to noe piggie i want to noe why did u do dat to me. i cant go on living if i dont have the answers. every time i check his blog he put a pic of himself which all of them is the one i took for him or he took for me. all da pics that he change. wat does dat mean?? i dont understand. why!?!?! i shouldnt have get involve wid BB rite?? i should have jz let everything be and dun get involve in everything and lead a new life here in perth rather den living currently wid my pass now rite? but BB hav done so much for me and i have risked my relationship wid my calss mates because of dis. wat should i do? help me i really dunno wat to do anymore. i dunno how i feel i dunno wat to do. i was acting sacarsticlly infront of BB jz now. ignoring his feelings. am i trying to make him hate me? should i go on? i really dont noe..,.

i slept crying last nite. i am so confused.. i dont noe how and i dunnow why....
u all must be wondering why all da name i give so weird? its really their nick name., haha

help me go on.. help me let go... help me make da rite decision..

mY seCreTs thaT wEre NevEr reveaLed

My story thats never been heard